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  • bevgilmour

Thank You, Dad.

We Are The Love… What does this mean and why is this the message from my Near-death experiences? Let me explain by sharing with you what happened to me when I was permitted to meet with my dad in the afterlife during a Near-death experience. My dad passed over in 1982, I was a mere slip of a girl at 16 years old, and his passing caused me to experience the most indescribable emotional pain. So many questions ran through my thoughts, mainly the question of ‘why.’ Why did he have to leave me? Why did he have to die? Why did God take him away from me? Why? These questions remained unanswered which only made the grief I was feeling for losing him cement itself as a negative emotion within my heart. My love for him was now hurting every time I thought of him, the feelings of grief surfaced and forced those constant questions of why.

My relationship with my dad was one of, ‘we were best friends' – although my parents divorced when I was a little girl, I would go and visit my dad once, or twice a week, never missing a visit. We would laugh together, and I would groan at his dad jokes, but always, I would sit spellbound by his endless storytelling. He was a kind man, forever asking, “How’s your mother Beverley?” But I always sensed he was also a sad man, never remarrying, never finding a new partner to love and I often felt sad when I had to leave him to go back to home to my mom. He was always alone rambling around in a big 4 story house. My dad had his flaws, one of such being alcohol. He drank excessively all day long. He was never a violent drunk. On the contrary, he was a happy drunk and I use to joke with him about wrapping his fingertips in bright-yellow electric tape because on asking him why he did this, he replied, “It’s so the nicotine from my cigarettes doesn’t stain my fingers Pet.” [he always called me Pet]. I howled at his reply. “Yes, but Dad, why chose a bright-yellow tape then?” He didn’t seem to register the irony of the bright yellow tape being the same colour as nicotine!

The only sadness that clouded my relationship with my dad was his constant request, “Will you come and live with me Pet?” It was hard because I knew my mom needed me as she often suffered from ill health because she had terrible asthma. I felt torn between my parents, holiday celebrations like Christmas or New-Years Eve were horrendous for me. I couldn’t leave my mom on her own to celebrate alone, yet I was always conscious my dad was on his own. I would reply to my dad’s question with, “One day I will dad, one day I will come and live with you.” At the time, I believed I meant it. Then when I was 14 years old, my mom met a new partner, and it wasn’t long before they were married, and she had moved into his house, and left me. I was now 15 years old and living in a flat on my own – it was hard. Still, without fail, I visited my dad and as always, he’d asked, “How’s your mother?” I’d mutter a reply, “She’s fine Dad,” not daring to tell him the truth that she was gone. Why did I keep this from him you may ask? It was because I knew he would expect me to move in with him. Why did I not want to keep my promise to him? I told myself it was because I was happy, I was young, I was free, suddenly, without parental restraint. I could go out all night if I wanted, no longer having a time that I had to be home for. I could have as many friends as I wanted back at the flat. I could drink cider. I could smoke cigarettes. I could have parties and play music whenever I wanted, - well that’s what I told myself.

Within a year, my dad died, and the guilt kicked in… The emotion of guilt, the emotion of grief, the unanswered question, the regret – bucket loads of negative emotions poured into my heart and tarnished my love for my dad. It became hard to think about him without it hurting, and so, I buried all those feelings so I could get on with living life. I had to bury everything deep down inside me because I couldn’t live with the truth. I was selfish. I had wanted my freedom. Or so, I thought this was the truth.

Not one of us is a stranger to burying feelings that hurt us so far deep inside us that we literary don’t even know they are there. They are there and they are not going away. The reason we don’t feel them is because we simply refuse to face them. The saddest part of this is when this negative energy [sadness] is left unchecked – it attracts more negative energy into our lives until we literary become overwhelmed with this constant nagging feeling of sadness that we don’t understand.

When I met my dad in the afterlife, his Spirit. He sat me down as he wanted to show me the truth of my love for him. As he opened my heart, he revealed a little girl who had loved him with unconditional love [a child’s love]. By now, I had learnt in my NDEs that there are no secrets in the afterlife, and I was expecting all my selfish emotions to be laid bare in front of him. But what he revealed to me was much worse, well certainly on the onset of such it was. My dad told me I didn’t want to live with him not because I was selfish but because I was ashamed of him. Hearing this from him, - hurt. Why would he say I was ashamed of him when surely, he must know how much I loved him?

He continued to show me, and I saw myself as that young girl growing into a teenager. It was as if my life was passing by in front of me. The images in front of me were not of a young girl who just wanted to party. They were of a girl who didn’t want to live with her father because of his drinking – if I had gone to live with him then my friends would see him drunk all the time. My friend’s opinion of me was more important than my dad’s loneliness. My dad’s revelation hurt me deeply. How could I have been so superficial? So cruel? So inconsiderate?

But then came the forgiveness.

No, he was not telling me he forgave me, rather he was asking me to forgive him. He wanted me to forgive him for being an alcoholic. I didn’t understand. Why was he saying this when it was obvious, I had been a horrible daughter?

He began to tell me why he had turned to drinking. I had always presumed it was from loneliness, but it wasn’t. His need for alcohol began in his own teens, and he used it to numb away his own pain for emotions he was never able to deal with. He hurt himself through drinking but most importantly he’d hurt his own love – and part of that love was for me, his daughter. He could now see he had hurt my heart, my love, and my life because he had not found the courage in his physical life to deal with his own emotional pain.

When I regained consciousness after this NDE, I burst into tears, and I wept on and off for several days – as my heart began its healing and my love for my dad was allowed to surface without those dreadful negative feelings. Now when I think of him, I am overcome with a sense of pride for how beautiful his Spirit and his love have become in his afterlife. Now I am able to say without any hesitation I am proud of my dad, more importantly, I am proud to be his daughter…

How beautiful are we? How beautiful is our love? Love connects us to all those who we love, even if they are no longer in their physical life. Love is infinite. It never ends. It never dies. Love heals the heart and sets us free. I am love. You are love. We are the love.

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